


The Boy Who Never Grew Up.

by sonnet_18



Category: Togainu no Chi
Genre: M/M, Mention of Character Death, Mourning, PTSD, Tragedy, Trauma, Vandalism, almost use of a weapon, attempt of murder, brief lost of logical thinking, dead family members, mention of a minor’s death, traumatic memories, use of weapon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 19:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20013463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonnet_18/pseuds/sonnet_18
Summary: Motomi and Akira planned to leave the country but before that they needed documents from Motomi’s old house...





	The Boy Who Never Grew Up.

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my old wip one shot. I kept fixing and rewriting some parts but never liked the ending product Orz
> 
> I will explain at the bottom note as to why I struggled with this story below.

It’s been two weeks since they left the tunnel and escaped Toshima. To get a roof over their heads, Motomi promptly began his job hunt to be a freelance journalist while searching for affordable apartments.

  
But before they could travel far, Motomi said they need to get some important documents and passports first. Since Akira left his apartment back at CFC and all charges on him lifted, it’s easy for Akira to make a new one. But for Motomi, he needed to return to his old house.

  
“Wow… I can’t believe the building is still intact after all that air raid.”

Motomi gaped in surprised once they turned the corner of the deserted road to what was once a homey, small house.

“That’s your old home?”

Motomi smiled awkwardly at his lover, “Hmm… I was hardly at home when I worked for ENED. So it felt strange to call it my home. But my late wife loved the garden and my son never complained for having his own room.”

The building was located just at the end of the road next to what used to be a playground. The brick walls painted in summer yellow but now the color has faded with bullet holes. The roof seemed to be red in the past but now it’s just a messy brown. The verandah decorated with flower pots but even from the ground below, one could see the pots all have withered with barren soil. The windows on the ground floor has been broken in and, even from outside, one could see the interiors of the messed up living room.

“What’s wrong?”

Motomi stopped in his steps when he noticed Akira stood still by the entrance gate.

The younger man looked away, “I think… it’s better I wait outside after all.”

He felt out of place to enter someone’s home. Much less a house that Motomi once lived with his family.

Motomi sighed then smiled as he turned around to fetch his partner.

“I told you, it’s okay. We’re only here to get my stuffs and documents for our travel permits. Besides…”, the ex-information broker looked up to the yellowing skies and traces of dark clouds, “I bet it’ll rain tonight, I won’t take hours searching for my files at my study room. I promise we’ll be out of here before you know it.”

Akira still looked reluctant, “I… can wait at the motel.”

“You dummy, remember last night we had to put up with leaky ceilings and a very loud couple next door? We’ll stay at a new motel tonight. I’ll search for a more comfortable place with a large bath tub to fit us two! You need a hot shower and plenty of rest; I don’t want you to get sick.” Then he cupped Akira’s cheeks as he lessened the distance between their faces, “Alright?”

Akira wasn’t used to being fussed about like this. It felt strange but… nice. Motomi was odd where he did so much for Akira without expecting some sexual favors in return. Such unconditional warmth and love… Akira didn’t know how to react correctly so he simply nodded.

“Alright! Now the loitering kids or some thief probably broke the lock but let’s try it anyway.”

Magically Motomi took out a set of keys, Akira wondered if the widow had been holding onto that like a precious memento.

It felt comical to unlock the door when the door itself swung open by itself the moment Motomi reached for the knob. No doubt it’s been forced open by outsiders.

“I wonder what else the thieves forgot to steal away.”

The older man forced a laugh, still able to find humor even in a situation like this. Akira wondered how it felt to return home and witnessed everything in a chaotic mess. Everything of value either stolen away or taken such as electronics, wall clocks, glass vases and even a few of the furniture. There were traces of rubbish bags, empty beer cans and bottles littered all over the floor.

Something on the walls made Akira felt strange…

“Ossan…”

“Hmm?” Motomi replied distractedly.

“Why are the pictures…”

Akira bit his tongue over the question he’s about to ask. Why else would Motomi took down the framed pictures or placed them upside down on the tables?

“What did you say?”, He asked again as he inspected the kitchen where a foul smell wafted in, “Damn! I hope there’s no dead animals in here. Urgh… smells so rotten!”

Akira saw Motomi opened the windows of the kitchen to let in fresh air.

“Oh boy, I know it’s useless to clean up because we’re going to leave this place anyway. But…”

Exiting the kitchen, Motomi looked green in the face. Wobbly he pressed a set of keys into Akira’s palm.

“Here, take this. Go upstairs and find a room to crash in for the time being. This living room hardly has anything, not even a chair for you to sit. I checked and luckily this house still has its water supply and electricity so the water heater should still be working at the main bathroom if you need to use the toilet.”

The younger man cupped his hands to accept the heavy brass sets of keys.

“Oh, and… don’t open the yellow door okay?”

Akira raised an eyebrow, “Why?”

Motomi’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, “It’s… a secret.”

Akira was about to chase after Motomi who quickly went back to the kitchen, thinking he could help throw away the rubbish bags all over the floor but Akira halted himself. He had to admit, he’s so lethargic from the lack of sleep last night that he could collapse any minute.

He still felt awkward and out of place. This house was where Motomi lived with his late wife and son. The Motomi that Akira never met. The husband, the father… and the mourning widower.

Motomi was pretending to be unaffected by the state of the house. Was he really not angry? Or was he just so numbed after the massacre?

Giving in to his body’s demands, the youth walked up the stairs where the walls got ruined with numerous graffiti. Maybe there’s still a couch somewhere for him to take a short break.

For a family of three, this house was quite big. Once up on the second floor, Akira saw there were three bedrooms and two bathrooms. Complete with a nice looking balcony if the glass doors were still intact and the curtains not ripped and ruined by weather. By now Akira got used to the stinky smell of litter everywhere.

“Those bastards…”

Akira felt sad for Motomi. It must have been extremely upsetting to see your home trashed up like this.

He explored each rooms, beginning with the master bedroom. Akira felt disgusted to see used condoms on the floor and beer bottles lined up the bedside table. The king size bed was a mess of dirt and other questionable substances. Immediately Akira pulled the sheets away and felt like burning the linens. He assessed the rest of the room, expecting stolen jewelries or torn up clothes but…

“It’s so barren up here…”

The room felt like no one lived here. Where did Motomi put his and his wife’s belongings? It can’t be that everything got stolen. Motomi didn’t explain fully about his days before he enter Toshima. He simply said after the burial ceremony, he packed some stuffs and left town. Akira assumed Motomi still kept the house unless he didn’t have enough time to evacuate quickly due to the war.

He shook his head from further thoughts and began exploring the rest of the rooms on the second floor for any chair or couch left. He could faintly hear Motomi’s curses from downstairs. He continued walking until he reached the next room. It was smaller and Akira didn’t need the keys to unlock it. It was already half open and when he stepped in, the youth saw the walls full of books and files lined up like a mini library.

“This must be the study.”

There was an old computer table facing the window, the monitor must have been taken and sold away. Leaving only the keyboard and mouse. There was so much dust but compared to the master bedroom, this room suffered less damage. Perhaps the thieves and the hoodlums saw little use to exploit from this space. Awards and certificates with RABBIT and ENED’s logo on the plaques got thrown to the corner. Smashed to pieces as if someone had a tantrum. Akira could only imagine how Motomi regretted joining the research team. Although he only worked for the lower level of the section, he was still unknowingly involved with the child experiments.

“Maybe I shouldn’t touch his files. Ossan would know if these scraps of paper are useful for his documents or not.”

Akira told himself, careful not to step on the fallen stacks of paper on the floor.

By now the keys in Akira’s jacket pocket felt heavy. None of the rooms needed keys to unlock until Akira reached the last room of the floor. It was the only painted door and Akira was sure it didn’t lead to a store room. For no store room needed 4 to 5 locks, bolted tight as if it’s the steel room of the national bank.

Akira remembered Motomi’s words of warning. The correct thing to do was to step away and find a place to crash. Or even the bathroom to wash his face and freshen up. Since the study room was nearby, surely Motomi would be up here any minute.

But…

Akira felt curious. Why was the master bedroom barren as if no one slept there? Why was only this door painted? And had more than 3 locks at that? If he were in Motomi’s shoes, Akira would lock up the study room because the computers and files on the shelves held valuable information. Yet even that was easily broken in.

“Maybe… just a peek.”

Akira reached for the ring of keys. There were various sizes of keys, some were as small as Akira’s pinky finger. He tried each of them until he heard the soft click of the locks.

Stepping inside…. What he saw was a child’s bedroom.

It looked as if the place was frozen in time. The bed was made, the dolls and toys on the floor. The fairy tale books in the shelves and drawings pasted on the walls. The drawings were of a mother, father and child. But many were drawings of a man in a white coat and glasses. Sunflower motifs could be found on the walls alongside toy planes.

But there were also empty boxes by the floor. One of the box was half filled with boy clothes and another box with school books. But they were dusty, as if someone was in the middle of packing but left the room and never came back to finish the job. After 10 years or so.

What happened?

Akira saw a book on the floor about Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. Akira remembered Motomi once told him the story behind this tale. The writer may have created Pan based on how his own mother couldn’t accept the death of one of her sons. The writer even tried to wear his late brother’s clothes and imitated him to seek her attention. The mourning mother found comfort in the thought that her late son would forever remain as a child, to never grow up and leave her.

He stopped flipping the pages of the book when he heard something dropped behind him. Like a stack of books. Akira also felt a looming presence on his back. Turning around, Akira forgot to breathe when he saw Motomi.

Usually the sight of his partner elated Akira but his blood ran cold when he saw Motomi drew out his gun...

And aimed the muzzle towards Akira’s direction.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my son’s room?”

Motomi’s expression was frightening enough to scare anybody. His body rigid, his eyes… usually warm and full of love, were now a pair of black stones. In his vision he couldn’t see anything but that fiery flames of the destroyed lab years ago. So much blood, too many precious souls died when the human experiment went berserk and escaped. Killing everyone in his path.

Akira slowly stood up after putting away the book and faced the older man.

“…It’s me.”

Akira declared, slowly approaching the armed man. Motomi’s breathing was erratic as if he just ran a mile. He gripped the gun so tight, Akira could see the veins from his knuckles. Next to Motomi’s feet were the fallen files of documents he took from his study room.

“It’s me, Akira.”

Motomi blinked, his eyes unfocussed. He blinked again then slowly lowered his gun, holding his head with his other free hand as if suffering a mild migraine.

“A… kira…?”

The younger man nodded and stepped close enough to pluck the gun from Motomi’s hold to place it on the floor.

“Yeah...”

Motomi was acting strange, mumbling and shivering uncontrollably, “This door… shouldn’t be open… nobody must enter… nobody…”

“I’m… sorry.” Akira apologized, cursing himself for causing Motomi to have this… this break down.

Suddenly Motomi dropped to his knees! Good thing Akira received his fall and they both slumped down to the floor.

He pulled Akira into a tight hug, “Seriously, don’t… don’t scare me like that! I thought you were an intruder! I couldn’t believe I didn’t see you… all I saw was the door opened… and then I just… I even… my gun… at you!”

“I’m sorry…” Akira apologized again, hugging him back.

It was the first time the youth saw Motomi like this. The man who usually acted carefree and laidback. He felt like a bastard for entering what may have been Motomi’s most guarded and important room of the house…

“I’m so sorry…”

*************

  
An hour passed before the silence between them broke.

  
Finally, the widow took off his fake smiley mask he wore all these years and exposed his true expressions. Regrets, mourning, grief.

  
“Akira, no amount of apology could ever excuse my action just now. I still… couldn’t believe I pointed my gun at you.”

Akira shook his head, “You should be mad at me. I didn’t listen to your warning. You thought I was an intruder…”

“No… no. You’re not to blame. It’s my fault for giving you the keys, anyone would be curious to open a locked door. When I saw this house vandalized and used up by crackheads, I thought I didn’t care. I assumed I could just get in, grab the documents and step out.. but...”

“Of course you’re affected. If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t have fussed over the trashes and the mess in the kitchen. This house was and still is your treasured place.”

”I… I hate myself. I swear to protect you, not harm you. You’re my precious partner. I really… hate myself…” He glared at his gun on the floor.

Akira blushed at Motomi’s embarrassing words, honestly what have he done to deserve such a man? He decided to change the topic temporarily as no matter how much he insist he’s the one at fault, Motomi would disagree again. 

Looking around, Akira spoke up.

“…so this… was his bedroom.”

Motomi slowly nodded at Akira’s comment. Looking around as well and filled with nostalgia and regret.

“Yeah… That time I was planning to sell away the house. It was too painful, everything reminded me of my wife and son. I was preparing to head to Toshima and find Premier to stop the military’s project from reviving. I don’t want anymore children being sacrificed…. So I packed away our belongings, donated most of them to charity but… only this room I couldn’t… I couldn’t finish… his room.”

Akira nodded to show he listened to every word. He was right to assume Motomi was half way packing his late son’s possessions into the boxes those years ago.

“Before ENED gave me the job offer to work at their lab, I used to spend most of my time with my kid. He’d ask me to read him story books and every Sunday we would go to church together with my wife. He was really cute, following me around and imitating my habits. Even my wife joked about how she felt jealous we spent so much time together and not help her with the gardening.”

Motomi looked up, remembering how he hanged the toy planes from the ceilings.

“I told him when I was his age, I used to play in the sunflower field. Since then he dreamed of becoming a pilot and fly a plane with only me and his mom as the passengers. The only V.I.P passengers allowed to board his special plane to go to the sunflower field at my home village.”

Akira saw Motomi was smiling as if remembering the good old days. But anyone could tell from the widow’s voice that he sounded anything but happy.

“I couldn’t finish packing because I saw… this…” Motomi reached for his breast pocket and took out a fragile thing…

The youth saw a broken chain, charred by soot and dried blood with a small cross attached.

“When my son got admitted to the research lab as one of the test subjects, he told me he forgot to bring his cross necklace. So I gave him mine.”

Akira looked up to Motomi’s sad expression. He wondered if that was one of the reason why Motomi liked to wear his shirt with the collars unbuttoned. He used to be a devout believer so he probably have worn a holy necklace too before he lost his faith.

“I suspected he purposely forgot his necklace, I was so busy with my tasks, I couldn’t visit him often at night. Perhaps my necklace helped him to feel less lonely… “

Now Motomi lost his smile, replaced with a strained tone as if holding back a sob.

“And… and that night… that night when I was away on an errand and Premier broke out of the facility to escape… where he killed everyone who blocked his way…. Killed the medical staffs and children…”

Akira was now on his knees, facing Motomi who continued his painful recollection.

“At the morgue… when I demanded to see my son… the doctor refused my entry. Only a nurse approached me… And she gave me this… the necklace that my son wore. She told me… they could only identify my son… because he was clutching my necklace… he must have been crying for me to rescue him… help him escape… to get him away from the scary demon…”

Akira couldn’t listen anymore and hugged Motomi tight!

“I’m sorry… I’m… so sorry I couldn’t rescue you…”

Motomi kept apologizing with watery sobs. Finally, he’s able to release his emotions that he held back for who knows how long. No more pretending, no more of that fake smiles or laid back façade.

  
***

  
Ah hour passed… then two.

Both of them leaned their backs against the bed as they sat on the floor. Motomi stopped shivering yet never once he reached for his cigarette as his habit when trying to calm down. It showed bow sacred this room was compared to a church.

Akira didn’t need to peek; he knew Motomi’s eyes were pink with his cheeks moist with tear tracks. Akira didn’t know what to say to break the awkward silence between them. He thought no matter what words he utter; it’d be useless to Motomi. Back at the church, Akira defended Nano saying anyone would have gone berserk being treated as inhuman in the lab.

But that didn’t mean Motomi’s lost and grief should be brushed away. Motomi was extremely hurt too. However back then he had no time to mourn their lost or even process his shock. With the war and everything, Motomi chose to chase after Premier on a mission to stop further victims. Perhaps Motomi thought if he paused to think, he’d have lost his sanity over his family’s death. He could have easily gave in to his grief and seek revenge but instead he went on this self sacrifice mission to stop a super soldier capable of eliminating a whole troop!

  
Akira didn’t want to choose in siding between Motomi or Nano. Both were important to him. He didn’t know if his actions of opening that door caused more grief or some sort closure to the widower. Feeling lost, Akira decided the best he could do now was to sit close to the mourning father. Giving as much comfort as he could just like how Motomi eased his worried back at the church after Akira fought with Keisuke…

****

The two didn’t have time to spare as the crack of thunder could be heard to warn the incoming heavy rainstorm. Without saying anything further, Motomi grabbed Akira’s hand, locked the bedroom door and flee the house as if staying further was so painful for the widower.

Half an hour later, the couple managed to find a vacant room in a much decent motel. Since they were drenched wet from running in the rain, Akira took a hot shower followed by Motomi. They didn’t have spare clothes so Akira wore a bathrobe.

He sat on the bed in awkward silence as he listened to the sound of the shower from the tiny cubicle. Not caring the tips of his hair was still wet from the shower. Too distracted as he kept thinking about today’s event. The locked room, Motomi’s PTSD reaction, the gun on the floor, the Peter Pan book…

Peter Pan, the boy who could fly and never grew up.

Forever a mischievous child.

Perhaps just like the mourning mother of the author, Motomi too took solace that his late son would forever remain as a boy who would always stay with him.

That’s why Motomi still kept the broken necklace close to his person.

“I’m… such an idiot… why did I opened that door when he told me not to?”

“Who are you calling an idiot? I won’t forgive someone name calling my lover even if it’s you, honey.”

Motomi suddenly said as he exited the shower, drying his hair with a small towel and wearing a bathrobe himself.

Akira was flushed from seeing his partner fresh from a bath. Since Toshima has no running water or electricity in most places, they didn’t have the luxury of bathing then.

Motomi padded his way close and sat down on the bed next to Akira. This way the younger man could smell Motomi’s soap and shampoo. The sexy look of his with wet hair, moist skin and smelling good, Akira couldn’t control his fast heart beat!

The atmosphere became awkward to Akira again once he cleared his mind from Motomi’s distracting sexiness. The fact remained that he hurt his partner for opening that door against his orders.

While Akira mentally berated himself, Motomi surprised him when he slowly reached out and linked their fingers together.

“O.. Ossan…?”

  
“Hey Akira, I have so many regrets in my life, today I have one more added to my growing list where I stupidly pointed my gun at you…”

  
“N-no! That was…”

  
Motomi halted Akira’s disagreement when he pressed a finger to his partner’s lips.

  
“But still… as I have promised to bring you to the grave with me, I have a life time to sort out my mistakes and regrets. And I will start correcting each one of them now.”

  
Akira furrowed his brows, not following what Motomi was trying to say.

  
“I want to right my wrong, you helped me realize my error that I painted Nicole as inhuman for what he did. I’m no different than the military just like you said. I know my errors now thanks to you. I will also consider smoking less if I’m going to travel the world with you as journalists. I’ll also try to drink less beer too since you don’t like beer breath, Akira. I’m trying my best here for you.”

  
He pouted like a child despite his age. Then he became serious.

  
“So for…. For today, about the house, about my son’s locked room… I think it’s way past time I correct one more of my long overdue mistake….”

  
He firmly gripped Akira’s hand in his.

  
“It’s been so long since I last visited their resting place, the cemetery is not far from here, so… will you come with me to see them?”

  
The younger man was surprised! After what he’d done, Motomi still wanted him close to him?

  
“Why? I don’t think I deserve to go there. It’s your family...” Akira replied in guilt. He thought he had no right to enter such a private and sacred place.

  
Motomi held his hand with both hands now, “you dummy, you are my family too. I want you to come along… and accompany me. I want to introduce you to them..”

  
“…”

“I respect your wish if you don’t want to, Akira.”

“Is it… really okay for me to come?”

“Yes…”

Motomi almost sounded like he was pleading Akira to join him. He knew Motomi won’t force him if Akira really didn’t want to but…

“Okay, Ossan. I’ll go.”

“R-really?”

“Yes, for what I did today, I want to come and pay my respects to them.”

To be honest Akira never went to a church before he met Motomi and the same goes to visiting a cemetery. Trained as child soldiers, he was used to see bodies wrapped and taken away. Discarded like used useless objects. He used to think… they were beautiful but no way he would tell that to Motomi now.

Ever since he lived with the ex-information broker, Akira experienced a lot of firsts compared to his monochrome days in that small apartment of his. What should he do? What must he bring? Flowers? Prayers? Akira was not part of any faith before this so he was really clueless on how to proceed. Considering Motomi and his family used to go for mass prayer in a church, it’s most likely they were buried according to their faith.

“Thank you, Akira. I love you…”

Motomi declared as he pulled Akira to hug him close and kissed his forehead. As if I’m apology for that gun aimed at his direction.

Akira didn’t reply, simply stayed in his arms without resisting. Closing his eyes and lightly hugged back.

There was still so much he didn’t know about Motomi and there was no guarantee he won’t mess up and reopen Motomi’s old wounds in the future with his actions. But still Akira was confident it will work out. With Motomi by his side, he too can right his wrongs and learn from his mistakes. And he would start by bringing flowers to tomorrow’s visit. He hoped bringing a yellow flower for a special boy would be an appropriate way to start his journey with Motomi until it’s their time to leave this world… together forever til they reach their graves.

……

………….

………………………

End?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading for those who managed to reach to the end.
> 
> Originally this one shot supposed to have an Obon festival in it. MotoAki observe the Japanese tradition of honoring the dead. However I left it out since Motomi is not a Buddhist so instead he did come back to his house and tried to clean his house a bit.
> 
> The part about Akira opening the late son’s bedroom and reading a book about Peter Pan, I wanted to write Motomi’s son was like Peter Pan. Hence the title of the one shot. I tried to relate the late son with the late brother from the writer of Peter Pan. 
> 
> I wanted to write a hurt and comfort story but somehow didn’t fully manage to deliver it.
> 
> I also messed up how Motomi reacted by pointing his gun at Akira. He would never do that unless his in Nano’s route. 
> 
> It was supposed to be Motomi reacting as a victim of PTSD BUT THAT’s THE BIGGEST PLOT CONTRADICTION HERE AND IM STILL FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF LIKE I SHOULD KNOW MOTOMI IS SMART AND KIND SO HE WOULD NEVER AND HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER NOT TO GIVE THE KEY TO AKIRA IF HE DOESNT WANT THE ROOM TO BE OPEN ARGHHHHNAKSNDSKSJD
> 
> So yeah in the end I lamely ended the story with a weak ending. 
> 
> Honestly I want to rewrite the whole thing but currently I’m out of energy and dried out of ideas to fix this so I’ll just post this here and hopefully get back to it someday in the future.
> 
> Thank you for reading to anyone who managed to read til the end. Thank you.


End file.
